Of Journeys & Anticipation

happy anniversary!

2006-02-17T23:54:00.000+08:00

yay! blog is one year old! *beams* (haha, what were you thinking?)

been reading a lot of my old entries lately, and am quite amazed at the stuff i actually wrote down... heh. more intelligent and frequent entries from now on i hope, with a new server and user interface!

i have MOVED!

:)

ben & jerry's ice cream flavour test

2006-02-14T15:12:00.000+08:00

BROWNIE BATTER!
You scored 77% SWEET, 66% CHUNKY, and 59% UNIQUE!

brownie batter ice cream with a rich brownie batter swirl

Mmmm....you are a very sweet mix indeed! You are warm, loving, and
caring to all those around you, but you're not boring in the least! You
have a wild streak and a creative, unique streak, too. You are a great
friend, an interesting person, and you know how to have fun without
ending up crouching over a toilet bowl. Nice!

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

You scored higher than 63% on SWEET
You scored higher than 46% on CHUNKY
You scored higher than 28% on UNIQUE

Link: The Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream Flavor Test written by weered1 on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

wanna go cycling?

2006-02-14T00:50:00.000+08:00

Since it's Valentine's Day, I thought I'd post something I came across some time ago on Joanna's blog , which I feel is quite appropriate for the season...

"Being together with someone else is often mistakenly believed to be a so-called 'higher state of being' or higher status than the state of being single. This is not true. It does not make you happier or more able to deal with life than the average single person (although it has been proven that marriage does increase the lifespan of the guy). It also does not mean that you are more loveable or in any way superior to the average single person. What it IS is it's a lot harder than being single. It has its advantages as well as disadvantages, of course. Hence the bicycle analogy.

What it IS is like going cycling on a tandem bicycle rather than an ordinary single-person bicycle. Because, of course, life is like a journey that everyone must undertake. Bits of it are through nice straight roads, bits of it through sunny countryside, bits of it (rather long bits if you ask me) are through rocky dark hills and valleys with nasty sharp bits to cut you if you fall, bits of it are on hair-raising cliff edges etc etc etc, you get the idea. Let's imagine that everyone is doing the trip on bicycles.

When two people get together, they trade in their single bicycles for a tandem bicycle. It's slower than a single bike, it's less agile, it falls down more easily and negotiates bends more clumsily, and it takes time getting used to being able to synchronise with your cycling partner. It's less efficient - you both have to work a lot harder to cover the same distance. You won't be able to spend as much time with your friends on single bikes as you used to because sometimes you're just concentrating on not falling off, and other times you just can't keep up with them.

You can't just hop off anytime you want either, and you have to both agree on where you want to go because you'll need your cooperation to get anywhere. You can't afford to do things like showing off by cycling without your hands, either, because now you have too much responsibility to do the tricks that you're good at. And you quickly learn to develop a lot more patience and capacity for sorrow and being hurt than you'd ever need if you were on a single bike.

But on the other hand, now you have company on the journey. You have someone to whom you can point out interesting things on the way, who can laugh at jokes with you and admire the scenery with you. (Of course, people on single bikes have the company of other people on single bikes to do all this with, except I suppose it's to a different degree.) And when it's cold and dark and rocky you have someone to go through it with you so that things aren't so scary. And if you fall down, you both get hurt together, but I guess you can help each other up too. I think the important bit is where you can enjoy each other's company. Because that's what will ultimately make the journey more bearable... and what will make the switch from single bikes to a tandem one a logical decision.

I suppose everyone has to ask themselves if it's worth it."

something's gotta give

2006-02-05T23:59:00.000+08:00

i've lost count of the number of things i've forgotten in the past 2 weeks... i can't recall what i did yesterday, neither can i remember what i'm supposed to do 3 days from now... i can't recall what i said 3 hours ago, and i can't remember what anyone told me 6 hours ago (even if it were anything juicy argh). i even forgot to sms my musicians the worship prac timing til less than 24 hours before worship prac, even though i was working on worship stuff for most of the 3 days prior to that. urgh. i've lost count of the number of times i've forgotten to sms my dad in the short time it takes for me to get from the pgp carpark to my room, although he'd remind me a gazillion times before i'd get out of the car.

i dunno what i'm doing already. can't concentrate on anything long enough to make any sense out of it. can't think straight, don't even know what i'm saying sometimes, whether i'm making the right decisions. so many thoughts running through my mind that scream for some sort of organisation, some sort of resolution...

i need to talk. with something other than my telepathic pillow. if i can even find the time to talk my thoughts out in the first place la.

I've spent half my lifetime watching time go by
And wondering where it went
When I try to fall asleep at night
I lay there feeling spent

Contemplating what the next day's gonna hold for me
Tossin' turnin', my mind is churnin'
Thoughts won't let me be

Every morning meets me with a list of all I have to do
Every evening greets me with the knowledge that I'm never through
Every taste of success makes me vow to never fail
Feels like I just chase my tail

Chorus:
There's gotta be something more than running circles for a living
Gotta be something better than just trying to survive
Gotta be some important puzzle piece that I am missing
Gotta be something more to life.

If every picture tells a story, Mine must be a mystery
'Cause I lose sight of who I am
And who I'm supposed to be
Looking back on what I've built
And all that I've achieved
Only leads me to believe

There's gotta be something more than running circles for a living
Gotta be something better than just trying to survive
Gotta be some important puzzle piece that I am missing
Gotta be something more to life.

Tired of these hopeless places
Bored with my earthly things
So I must fill my empty spaces
With the love that heaven brings

~ Something More - Ginny Owens

sigh... i think i think too much...

2006-01-29T00:35:00.000+08:00

Unthinking faith is a curious offering to be made to the Creator of the human mind.

- ripped off hui*leng's msn nick

gorillas and pandas

2006-01-21T08:08:00.000+08:00

this morning, i'm up so early because i simply cannot stay asleep despite having slept past 3am last night... i wonder if it's the result of that big, fat and bloody (well bloody after i killed it la) aedes mosquito i killed on my arm last night... but something tells me the flush i feel all over isn't because of that (or at least i really hope it isn't). gosh i wonder what can possess me to be wide awake before 8am?? i hope this doesn't continue to happen too often or the panda shall be back in earnest at the rate i sleep late and wake up early urgh. :p

deceptively overwhelmingly distractively busy

2006-01-07T23:20:00.000+08:00

hmm.. has been a really long time since i last posted something. i think this december period has been deceptively overwhelmingly busy... have been spending a lot of time running around, but it doesn't feel as if i've been doing much running around. haven't spent a lot of time at home either, and the time at home has seemed even shorter because of the amount of time i've spent at home being distracted by things i keep thinking i should be doing but not doing, which ties in to the running around during the time not spent at home thing. so in short, this december period has been busy not because i've really been busy but i've been thinking about so many things and getting distracted by them that i've been feeling really busy. which explains the deceptive bit of the busy-ness.

"distracted from what?", you might ask. well, i'm not too sure either, but one of the observations i've made about being busy or distracted is that i turn very apathetic and bo chup. things don't move me that normally will. anntic was almost a drag to get through because all i'd wanted to do throughout the whole time was get away from all the people at the camp and have some quiet, no-need-to-think-of-stuff-i-have-to-do or be-distracted time. i'd clam up and stop commenting on stuff that i don't agree with or think is cool cos i'd get all can't-be-bothered, or even cynical, thinking that i'd be just wasting my breath talking... or even selfish, thinking that i've contributed enough with all my other commitments and that its time i kept quiet and absorbed instead.

then there was meet camp... and the whole flurry of stuff i thought had to be done before that. "i thought" referring to the fact that i spent time thinking about what had to be done which actually had to be done, not referring to thinking about what had to be done but didn't get done or didn't actually have to be done. meet camp itself was a pretty fun experience, though i must say that the non-stop of activities from the beginning of 2005 until meet camp had just totally drained me and put me in a not very conducive or optimal state to do a lot of learning during these 2 christian camps.

but i guess i still learnt quite a bit. the most important of which is the absolute necessity to keep up with regular quiet time. hvaen't been doing that since after exams and i think it shows. life becomes a meaningless cycle of activities and the apathy towards these things have even crept into my spiritual life. the prospect of falling away from God suddenly seems so real... the statistics (what, 80%?) often thrown around in christian circles suddenly doesn't seem like such a joke anymore. and that scares me. could that happen to me, ever? i don't want it to happen... and i thank God for all the stuff thats still keeping me accountable and reminding me of the great gift that i have already, and of the many many millions of people out there who are not as rich as i am, who don't have this precious gift that i do, many who are searching and waiting for an answer, an answer they don't even know the question to. even though some of these activities are what's wearing me out, but i thank God for them, because i've realised that these things would never have worn me out if i had stuck to whats impt in the first place -- growing in my relationship with Him and maintaining an open channel of communication with God, not shutting Him out and off.

but i still wish i had a chance to switch off this hols. ahhh well.......

the consequences of being tagged part 2

2005-12-15T02:01:00.000+08:00

Rules of the game:
1. Post 5 weird/random stuff about yourself.
2. At the end, list the names of 5 people whom you want next to do this, and leave a comment "YOU ARE TAGGED!" in their blog and tell them to read your blog for rules.

meh. so here goes. *glares at clareypoo*

1. i can roll my tongue

2. i like peanut butter and anything that tastes peanut-y but i don't like nuts, except macadamia nuts oooooooooooh *thinks of the salted macadamia nuts tt just disappeared to mum's office :(*

3. i actually like to cook and experiment with stuff. (just that getting all the ingredients & washing up is such a pain)

4. i don't believe close platonic relationships are possible between 2 pple who are single unless they're each already interested in someone else.

5. i took ballet lessons for 6 years from when i was 4 years old til beginning of primary 5.

okie! my turn for revenge and some fun muahaha!
i hereby tag:
1. bingbing
2. matt
3. shufeng

the consequence of being tagged part 1

2005-12-15T01:00:00.000+08:00

Three Names You Go By

min zhi
mz
ah zhi, ming, queenie, dodobird, tofu, and whatever anyone else sees fit :/

Three Parts of Your Heritage

er.. i am my grandmothers' granddaughter?
very singaporean in terms of food. anything goes. everything goes.
i'm a raffles girl!

Three Things That Scare You

snakes and crocs. reptiles in general i think.
not loving God
not seeing my family in heaven

Three of Your Everyday Essentials

sleep
good food
someone to talk to

Three Things You Are Wearing Right Now

rgs netball jersey
fbt shorts
er. a bored expression

Three of Your Favorite Bands or Musical Artists (at the moment)

steven curtis chapman
emi fujita
planetshakers

Three Things You Want in a Relationship (other than Real Love)

care & concern
trust
commitment to God

Two Truths and a Lie

i've never been attached
i've been to papua new guinea
i like cloudy days

Things about the Opposite Sex that Appeal to You

intelligence
chivalry
sporting-ness & sporty-ness

Three of Your Favorite Hobbies

reading
eating good food
anything sporty (excluding golf. golf is NOT sporty.)

Three Things You want to do really badly right now

eat ice cream.
throw everything behind and go travelling
curl up in bed with a good book

Three Places You Want to go on Vacation

europe! all of it! uk, the mediterranean area, sweden, turkey!
australia
nepal

Three Things You Want to Do Before You Die

travel the world
start a family
see my family come to Christ

Three People You Would Like To See Take This Survey

mx
munch
clemmie

Dear God...

2005-12-01T17:22:00.000+08:00

a collection of thoughts

2005-11-30T21:22:00.000+08:00

okok, i know a post-exam post is long overdue.. but i've been trying to collect enough worthwhile thoughts to blog ok.. i don't think i have yet, anyway... but here goes:

i've realised that i can get very hyper after exam papers. as in, for a couple of hours after sitting for a paper, the adrenaline will still be pumping and i'll feel very alert and my brain is very active and absorbent, even though i might not have slept very much the day before. of course, i'll feel like crashing later, but not that soon anyway, so one of the best times to study is right after an exam paper.

its pretty appalling how much stuff i manage to accumulate in my pgp room in one semester. its terrible -- the sense of having enough space to store stuff is so deceiving. now i have to clear out my cupboard at home just to stuff in all the clothes i currently wear, and clear out my filing cabinets and shelves to make space for all my notes and books. piling stacks of stuff all over the place is no longer an option.

it just tears me apart, seeing people i care for hurting, and not be able to do anything about it. how its just not possible to reach through the computer screen and give them a real hug and tell them its ok. and its even worse when the words to say just won't come out, because i'm afraid to say the wrong thing. and sometimes, in the cases that make me want to cry, it feels so helpless when i can't even speak of the one thing i know for sure will give them comfort, the one thing i know for sure will give them reason to climb up again time after time, because that is the one thing that gives us all, finally, a real and worthwhile reason to live. because all this ends up as pious preaching, repetitive, empty words that don't mean anything to them, because they do not understand.

Psalm 34

Of David. When he pretended to be insane before Abimelech, who drove him away, and he left.
¹ I will extol the LORD at all times;
his praise will always be on my lips.

² My soul will boast in the LORD;
let the afflicted hear and rejoice.

³ Glorify the LORD with me;
let us exalt his name together.

⁴ I sought the LORD, and he answered me;
he delivered me from all my fears.

⁵ Those who look to him are radiant;
their faces are never covered with shame.

⁶ This poor man called, and the LORD heard him;
he saved him out of all his troubles.

⁷ The angel of the LORD encamps around those who fear him,
and he delivers them.

⁸ Taste and see that the LORD is good;
blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.

⁹ Fear the LORD, you his saints,
for those who fear him lack nothing.

¹⁰ The lions may grow weak and hungry,
but those who seek the LORD lack no good thing.

¹¹ Come, my children, listen to me;
I will teach you the fear of the LORD.

¹² Whoever of you loves life
and desires to see many good days,

¹³ keep your tongue from evil
and your lips from speaking lies.

¹⁴ Turn from evil and do good;
seek peace and pursue it.

¹⁵ The eyes of the LORD are on the righteous
and his ears are attentive to their cry;

¹⁶ the face of the LORD is against those who do evil,
to cut off the memory of them from the earth.

¹⁷ The righteous cry out, and the LORD hears them;
he delivers them from all their troubles.

¹⁸ The LORD is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit.

¹⁹ A righteous man may have many troubles,
but the LORD delivers him from them all;

²⁰ he protects all his bones,
not one of them will be broken.

²¹ Evil will slay the wicked;
the foes of the righteous will be condemned.

²² The LORD redeems his servants;
no one will be condemned who takes refuge in him.

the Lord gives refuge to all who seek him, and the faces of all who look to Him are always radiant. but don't take me for my word, prove it yourself! for how will you know that the Lord is good, if you won't even take a taste and see?

2005-11-22T23:30:00.000+08:00

tell me its ok...

Chapter 18: The Open Economy

2005-11-14T08:32:00.000+08:00

The sum of the current account deficits of all the countries in the world should be equal to zero: One country's deficit should show up as a surplus for the other countries taken as a whole. This is not, however, the case in the data: If we just add the published current account deficits of all the countries in the world, it would appear that the world is running a [measured] large current account deficit. Some economists speculate that the explanation is unrecorded trade with the Martians. Most others believe that mismeasurement is the explanation.

Quote of the day courtesy of Olivier Blanchard, author of Macroeconomics (International Edition).
(emphasis mine... shouldn't it be Interplanetary Edition instead?)

1st chapter down.

2005-11-11T00:30:00.000+08:00

hmm... i've nothing much to blog about really. realised i only blog when i'm really bored and/or down. so when bored i post blogthings. when down i rant. now i'm in a kindof bored and down going up mood. so i don't really have much to blog about, and since i'm studying i'm not actually THAT bored (1st chapter only mah), so no blogthings either.

things have been... ok. everything's been kinda balancing out. some stuff is bleah. some stuff is happy. so everything ends up overall -ok-.

sometimes i wonder if i rely on people too much. can't do anything alone. talking makes me happy. just not talking to myself, obviously. being quiet also makes me happy. only obviously when i'm not alone. being around people makes me happy. just not too many.

maybe thats why i'm always on msn, whether or not i feel like talking. its the perfect kinda situation where you know pple are there. but you don't have to be with them. just nice for the closet anti-social me.

then again, its not just anyone who can really make me feel better. i suppose.

food-eating battle monkeys!

2005-10-31T23:14:00.000+08:00

my sister is a purple people-eating magic monkey of monkey score 9.1
see... i always knew i had a monkey for a sister. though probably with an identity crisis.. piggish monkeys.. hmm...

Chronicles of Muggerhouse Episode 1: Of Food and Asses

2005-10-29T23:43:00.000+08:00

Today, in the latest developments of the face-off between the 2 horizontally-challenged sisters of muggerhouse:

no.1: oi, make daddy happy la. go for supper with him with me.
no.2: don't waaaaaaaaaant! faaaaaaaaaaaaat!
no.1: just drink milo bing la.
no.2: don't waaaaaaaaaaaaaant! faaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat!
no.1: oi!
no.2: okok let me go get changed...

in the car...

daddy: so i order one plate of hokkien mee you all 2 share ah?
no.1: ... ...
no.2: ... ...
daddy: so i order one plate of hokkien mee you all 2 share ah?
no.1: i only want milo bing.
no.2: ... ...
daddy: or you all want chicken wings? or hokkien mee?
no.1: i only want milo bing laa!
no.2: i want BOTH!

after ending up sharing one plate of hokkien mee, 1 cup of milo bing, 1 cup of teh bing, upon reaching home...

no.2: eh, get out of my way la, you and your fat ass!
no.1: look who's talking...
no.2: eh your ass is fat lor! mine is not! mine is big, and round, and voluptuous!
no.1: ... ... HAHAHAHHAHAHAH!

any resemblance to any characters living or dead in the above account is purely *wracking coughcoughcough* -tentional.

give thanks in all circumstances

2005-10-24T06:24:00.000+08:00

Thank you, Lord, for the horrible pap essay.

i haven't managed to catch the sunrise in a long time... the vivid shading of the sky, the beautiful blue... it's a really beautiful end to my day ;p

goodnight :)

i have a history

2005-10-23T14:34:00.000+08:00

i have just spent 1 hour over lunch listening to my maternal grandma tell me the story of her grandparents and the subsequent 3 generations.. coolness! now i can finally decipher the relationship between all the ah mms, ah pehs, zek gongs, sin mas, yi mas and yi gongs spread over malaysia and singapore (very complicated), and have finally figured out how come i have so many relatives in both countries..

so exciting! i could write a book on our family history or something, provided i can find out enough to write a book that is... and that all the elders have good and relatively accurate memories... but i'm sure there are enough stories to compete with the longest essay i've ever written anyway (15 pages) haha.. though, as wai po enthusiastically pointed out, it'll have to wait til i finish my exams, or after i graduate...

remind me to blog all this sometime.. all the family scandals and migrations are infinitely more interesting than the pap.

oh pfffffft.

"mood swings" is too mild a term

2005-10-20T17:29:00.000+08:00

"girls are really hard to work with, because they're very emotional"

true, that... but made even more poignant 1 hour later when i found out my ms test results. was feeling quite pressured the whole of yesterday with the thought of having to do 2000 words by friday and not having really done any research yet. then came a whole night of high when i found out that the deadline had been postponed til monday, and a project presentation potentially on thursday had been cancelled completely, the report to be handed up on the 11th of Nov instead. mood is now at an all-time low having just found out that although i thought i got most of the questions correct for the ms test, i am in the bottom 40% of the class. bottom 20 to 40% more specifically.

have been trying to restrain myself from slamming the door. throwing my bag on the floor. tapping the keys on my keyboard really hard. been trying to ignore this tight feeling in my chest and the desire to curl up in my bed with my blanket over my head.

"its like that one la, for this kind of competitive module, the kind all the science and maths pple take"

not as if i don't know my work!? this is starting to get senseless. putting in all the effort to stay up to date and on top of my work. i know whats going on. huh. at least thats what i think, tho obviously if the results of any of my tests are anything to go by, i know nuts.

why why why am i bothering to care? why do i WANT to care?! caring just makes life so difficult! caring HURTS. now i can't even say that grades don't matter to me anymore, and there's nothing to hide behind, nothing to numb that horrible feeling. the frustration. the sense of failure. having to stomp down hard on my pride, admitting that yes my emotions are tied to my grades, amongst other things and people. and worst of all, realising that my emotions govern my life, if i decide to eat, drink, sleep, talk, do work...

they shouldn't, damn it. and i'm so sick of this.

i never learn

2005-10-19T22:56:00.000+08:00

2000 words by Friday 4pm.

current word count: 0
current number of readings read: 2
topic chosen: 5 seconds ago

time left to do research and write: 1 + 24 + 16 - 2 (two 1- hr tuts) - 1 (lunch w bing) - 2 (one 2-hr lect) - 5 (one meeting with sups) - 2 (one 2-hr lect) = 29 hrs - 12 (sleep) = 17 hrs theoretically.

oh shoot me pls. argh.

i just dreamt that my neighbour gave me all the readings and notes i need to write my essay. i should just keep on dreaming eh.

i'm incorrigible.

update: 15 min after posting the above, i went next door to follow up on my dream :p and found out that the deadline's been postponed to MONDAY!!! apparently the prof said it twice during lecture... must have been when i hadn't reached school yet :X waaaaah! happiness! shoot i think i'm gonna change my topic since i now have more time to read and do my research. whoohoooooo!

God is so good! God is so good! God is so good! He's so good to meeee!

爱情

2005-10-16T18:32:00.000+08:00

Update: found Karen Mok's version here
(for all you pple i know are not going to bother reading the chinese...)

突然间想听一些华文歌曲，就把以前高中时代买了，现在只收集灰尘的cd翻了出来。。。选了张智成的凌晨三点钟来听。听到的这首歌让我想起当年的许多回忆。。。我们4个躲在雨伞下唱歌，躲在pt的楼梯口练歌。。。当年还很清纯地想靠唱歌过一辈子。虽然还是比较喜欢莫文尉的那个版本，这首歌，我还是很喜欢。。。

爱情（张智成，江美琪）

若不是因为爱着你
怎么会夜深还没睡意
每个念头都关于你
我想你
想你
好想你

若不是因为爱着你
怎会有不安的情绪
每个莫名的日子里
我想你
想你
好想你

爱是折磨人的东西
却又舍不得这样放弃
不停揣测你的心里
可有我姓名

爱是我唯一的秘密
让人心碎却又着迷
无论是用什么言语
只会
只会思念你

若不是因为爱着你
怎会不经意就叹息
有种不完整的心情
爱你
爱着你

not again!

2005-10-12T15:28:00.000+08:00

Revelation 7:9-10 reads,

After this I looked and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and in front of the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands. And they cried out in a loud voice:

"Salvation belongs to our God,
who sits on the throne,
and to the Lamb."

Yesterday, i heard this verse for the 6th time in about 1 month. The 1st 3 of which i was asked to read it out. the last 3 were read out to me. if i hear this verse one more time, i will...

blogthings are back! hehe

2005-10-11T03:08:00.000+08:00

You Are Strawberry Ice Cream

A bit shy and sensitive, you are sweet to the core.
You often find yourself on the outside looking in.
Insightful and pensive, you really understand how the world works.
You are most compatible with chocolate chip ice cream.

What Flavor Ice Cream Are You?

Your Blog Should Be Green

Your blog is smart and thoughtful - not a lot of fluff.
You enjoy a good discussion, especially if it involves picking apart ideas.
However, you tend to get easily annoyed by any thoughtless comments in your blog.

What Color Should Your Blog or Journal Be?

haha.. really meh?

Your Power Color Is Lime Green

At Your Highest:

You are adventurous, witty, and a visionary.

At Your Lowest:

You feel misunderstood, like you don't fit in.

In Love:

You have a tough exterior, but can be very dedicated.

How You're Attractive:

Your self-awareness and confidence lights up a room.

Your Eternal Question:

"What else do I need in my life?"

What's Your Power Color?

You Are Likely a First Born

At your darkest moments, you feel guilty.
At work and school, you do best when you're researching.
When you love someone, you tend to agree with them often.

In friendship, you are considerate and compromising.
Your ideal careers are: business, research, counseling, promotion, and speaking.
You will leave your mark on the world with discoveries, new information, and teaching people to dream.

The Birth Order Predictor

hur hur

2005-10-10T23:04:00.000+08:00

10/10/2005: TM 2

Very funny, God... really. very funny. i can't stop laughing... really, i can't.

i saw this coming, really, i did. especially today. the whole day. i just KNEW what was going to happen. so You've affirmed it. but hey, You were the One who told me first right...

are You trying to tell me something? nudge me in a certain direction? are You grinning at my futile efforts to keep a bit more time free? steep learning curve this new academic year huh.

man, i really don't know what to make of this. i didn't want this, i didn't ask for it, You know that. but You're obviously leading me somewhere, You've obviously got PLANS. i just feel so... blind. guess this, among other things, is supposed to be a lesson in faith huh.

*wry chuckle*

dimsum!

2005-10-09T13:50:00.000+08:00

after a whole week of irregular and lousy meals in school, friday afternoon's family lunch/tea (since i finished sch at 2) got me really excited... we went to fortunate restaurant in toa payoh central for dimsum to celebrate my mum's 46th birthday. was especially happy-fying since i'm such a carnivore and we rarely have dimsum.. also we haven't had proper, nice meals as a family for so long... extra-ly happy-fying was the fact that there was a 30% discount from 3 to 6pm (tho haha i wasn't footing the bill.. but i admit it - i can be such a cheapo at times.)

lesson learnt of the day: how to eat fried durian balls. (was so amusing when my sis read out from the dessert menu "fried durian balls", and you suddenly see 2 heads nodding in unison - mum's and dad's.. hahah..) so well, here's the lowdown in photos:

eh smile leh! (all disgruntled over having to put down their chopsticks and stop eating to take a photo.. notice i didn't have that problem *grin*)

dumplings with sweet corn & cold fish... haha.. sounded and looked more dubious than it tasted la..

dad & one of his long stories again... nvm, they too busy to eat, just means more food for me! muahaha!

here's waipo wondering what to eat next, and how to cook it at home.. :D

THE FDB! (fried durian balls)

FDB1001: how to eat fried durian balls

alternatively...

mx & mz

mum (the birthday girl!) & dad

it started off well enough...

2005-10-06T22:56:00.000+08:00

there's been a sharp increase in the amount of exercise i've been getting over the past 2 weeks - ifg netball & basketball, and miscellaneous other energy sapping activities like shopping and trying to get a tennis ball to not fly over the fence when i hit it.

heh and i must say it feels good, and has been really fun and enjoyable. sortof miss the days when exercise, like it or not, was mandatory - pe, netball training 10 hours plus a week... i miss the familiar ache in the muscles, proof that i DID have muscles... i miss the fun and laughter... trying new sports... the discipline in the training... becoming fitter, better, sharper...

i miss the rg days especially, when we had netball carnival every year. and how when i was in 213, we rejoiced over getting out of the bottom of the table at last. and 313 and 413, what with the 'unlucky 13', cursed classrooms and wonky computers, and how we'd only work for anything we thought we might win at.. haha.. and so we almost did.

these things bring such warm fuzzy feelings that make me consider actually going back to training properly. but what i saw at the netball game today just totally reminded me of why i left netball and to a lesser extent, raffles behind when i went to jc.

- deleted details, won't be fair to put down just my side of the story for public reading considering the worked up state i'm in now. ask me for them yourself -

the whole atmosphere of exclusivity and elitism totally turned me off. maybe i'm being really harsh here, but i say, where's the camaraderie and the sportsmanship? isn't playing sports about pushing your own limits to see how far you can go? isn't it about enjoying pushing yourself to see how far you can go? since when was it about pushing yourself just so you can belong in a league of pple you perceive to be equally superior with yourself, and excluding those whom you perceive to the inferior?

hah. call this sour grapes. or whatever. its just pple like that, caught up in their own world of superiority and status, and who display every wish to be aloof from who they consider inferior, who have always irked me... and continue to do so, whether in sports, or school, or what. that desire for recognition and to be thought far superior than others, which for a short and regrettable while in my younger days had consumed me, has now become one of the things that most irritate me, one of those things i'm still struggling to learn how to respond less drastically and negatively to.

ok maybe i'm just really upset about how this week has been. being misunderstood and getting asked whats my problem when someone didn't read the sms and observe certain things carefully and just fired up at me, getting kneed in the cheekbone near my eye and not getting an apology at all (i suppose she really might not have realised that she kicked me, but the blue-black is proof enough of it anyway), getting a really uptight umpire, getting an opponent who'd say 'thank you' when one of my teammates accidentally threw the ball in her direction (the ball was meant to go to the person behind my opponent) and who'd yell 'yay' when her team managed to intercept the ball in their goal circle... like -speechless-. *rolls eyes*.

if you don't understand this post, what the heck. its better if you don't anyway, considering the quite unedifying worked up state i'm in now, this is probably not a very worthy read. argh.

Lord, please please please grant me more understanding and patience!

home alone and no space to breathe

2005-10-02T20:01:00.000+08:00

Pride is a very draining thing. That desire for more, to be thought of as better, smarter. And when the blow comes, where is your pillar of support? You were nothing except your belief that you were something. And now when everything else is stripped away, what are you? what do you have? what will you do?

*sigh*

- brainwashing in progress -

a long week ahead

2005-09-25T15:15:00.000+08:00

heh for those who still don't know, its off to Mongolia for MEET! with a team of 6 other girls! cool or what. i can foresee a looong and testing 9 or so months ahead, and am really excited to see what God has in store for all of us, though i know its not going to be an easy time for me, already see a hint of which areas in my life will take a beating come these 9 months of preparation and the actual trip (assuming i even actually make it to the end).

but the title of this post is "a long week ahead", not "a long 9 months ahead"...

have just had my 1st midterm of my 2nd year in uni on saturday. another's coming up on monday, my 10 to 4pm back-to-back lessons day, this time with my first MEET team meeting and bible study thrown in in the evening for good measure. then its another midterm in the morning on tuesday. CG's on wednesday, more bible study. another mid-term on thursday. a 700-word response paper on friday. another MEET joint meeting on saturday - have to memorise 1 Cor 13. with ifg netball sometime(s) during the week.

heh. happening or what. and here i am, blogging.

i am in quite good spirits actually, don't know whether to be surprised or not. despite my despairingly short attention span when it comes to studying and doing actual exam papers, i haven't been getting too worried about the quite unfinished state of my studying, maybe because i've actually been TRYING to pay attention during lectures and tutorials so far this semester.

but still, i'm finding it difficult to find purpose and motivation in studying hard and scoring well. i mean, sure, i would absolutely love to do extremely well and get into the top of the cohort like i used to, and i suppose if i exerted myself and really put in effort that shouldn't be a problem, but years of complacency and disillusionment towards the actual value of learning have given me a bo chup attitude towards grades and schoolwork that i'm finding really hard to shake. old habits die hard.

after that big booboo that was my managerial econs grade last semester, i've felt the need to put an end to all this bo-chupness. i used to reason that whatever grades i got, that that would be God's will and God being sovereign, it didn’t matter whether i studied hard or not (or at all). i had faith and i was sure that God would bring me through, to jc, to uni... and i was right. after getting quite good grades for exams i know i didn’t deserve the grades for because i didn’t study, i would marvel at how His power is shown thru the weak (i.e., myself).

i was finding it difficult to reconcile bringing glory to God and studying hard in school. at the recent FT, Dr Ng Liang Wei mentioned that we shouldn’t even have to think about balancing schoolwork with being a Christian – it shouldn’t even be an issue. We should all be as arrows with one single target and direction – God. as to how hard we should study? study hard enough, so that God can use you to do his work in the future.

during bible study in church yesterday, pastor was giving us an intro to the study of King David, which he titled “God’s man, God’s way, God’s heart”. he talked about how God prepared David, training him from young, in solitude, obscurity, monotony and reality of life. As the youngest, David had to take care of the boring family business. imagine taking care of bah-ing sheep by yourself for days out in the grazing plains and hills without anyone else to talk to but sheep, and with your own staff, hands and stone to ward off any danger that might come along. what really spoke to me was how God puts you where you are as a method of preparing you for what is to come in the future.

i realised that for so long, i've been taking so many things for granted, been so ungrateful, even arrogant. and while its so easy to come up with so many "valid reasons" for why i turned out like that, ultimately the point is those "reasons" don't matter. those reasons are like puny efforts at trying to defend yourself and argue with God. at the end of the day, i just feel so ashamed and can only pray to be given a humble heart. God looks at the heart and a genuine and consuming desire to face up to your flaws, to take up your cross, and follow Him, because in the light of the Perfect, the imperfect disappears.

sure, trust in the Lord that whatever He wants to happen to you will eventually happen, whether or not there is any exertion on your part. but be careful of the thin line between faith and complacency. i think i’m beginning to see that God is not so much glorified through the results, but that He brings the glory to Himself when through the realisation of His love and the desire to reciprocate that love, a person is changed from the inside, to want to desire to please Him and to make every use of the position He’s put him/her in, responding in thankfulness and acknowledging His will in placing him/her there, being sensitive to every situation, in anticipation of the Lord’s leading, teaching and equipping for what is to come.

i sort of didn’t expect to write such a long post... but as it is, after throwing out all my thoughts, in the process making them more coherent to myself (and hopefully not too incoherent to you the reader), i find that the Lord has once again gotten a one-up on me... looks like the reason for me to work hard is quite clear now... although i do still find it a drag having to struggle thru this week... but then that’s where the aforementioned faith comes in right? :)

and if you did manage to get through this long post, i do suppose you’re one of those who actually bother really taking an interest in my life, despite how tough i make it for you with all my complaining and whining about it... so this here is dedicated to you, my darlings... thanks for being there for me and trying to cheer me up whenever i’m down... for agreeing to acoompany me when i’m feeling all moody and depressed and lonely... for trying not to laugh but ending up laughing at me anyway and calling me names when i go all ditzy, and for not telling other people why... for that encouraging word and long msn (or otherwise) conversations... for fond memories and warm fuzzy feelings... i can’t thank God enough for you people... i love you!!!!!! *muackz!*

Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord, not for men.

~ Colossians 3:23

word count: 1195. now if only writing essays for schoolwork was this easy.

You are the rain

2005-09-16T11:34:00.000+08:00

Strangely out of place,
and there's a light filling this room where none would follow before.
I can't deny it burns me up inside.
I fan the flames to melt away my pride.
Do I want shelter from the rain or the rain to wash me away?

I need you, I need you, I need you.
I need you, I need you, I need you.
You're all I'm living for.

I might sound like a fool,
but I think I felt you moving closer to me.
Face to the ground to hide the fatal cut.
I fight the weight, I feel you lift me up.
You are the shelter from the rain and the rain to wash me away. 

I need you, I need you, I need you.
I need you, I need you, I need you.
You're all I'm living for.
I need you, I need you, I need you.
You're all I'm living for.

Face to the ground to hide the fatal cut.
I fight the weight, feel you lift me up.
I can't deny it burns me up inside.
I fan the flames to melt away my pride.
I only had a second to spare, but all the time in the world to know you're there.
You are the shelter from the rain and the rain to wash me away. 

I need you, I need you, I need you.
You're all I'm living for.
I need you, I need you, I need you.
You're all I'm living for.
I need you, I need you, I need you.
You're all I'm living for.



~ I Need You, Jars Of Clay

i am nothing

2005-09-12T19:25:00.000+08:00

it's days like this that make me want to cry.
a day spent meaninglessly.
tiring to the point of nausea.
giddy at the thought of what there is to do.
in the quiet of my room.
by the dim light of the lamp.
with the sound of the thunder and rain.

i want to hide beneath the rain.
let the thunder and the lightning conceal me.
let the sound of water hitting the leaves cover me.
the darkness and the misty rain outside my window...
the only solace i can find.

sigh. i wish life would just hurry up. i don't feel as if i have the strength to wait it out.

i have and am nothing...
if You were not everything to me.

Take these hands and lift them up
For I have not the strength to praise You near enough
For I have nothing, I have nothing without You

Take my voice and pour it out
Let it sing the songs of mercy I have found
For I have nothing, I have nothing without You

Chorus:
All my soul needs
Is all Your love to cover me
So all the world will see
That I have nothing without You

Take my body and build it up
May it be broken as an offering of love
For I have nothing, I have nothing without You

All my soul needs
Is all Your love to cover me
So all the world will see
That I have nothing
But I love You

With all my heart
With all my soul
With all my might
With all the strength that I can find

Take my time here on this earth
And let it glorify all that You are worth
For I am nothing,
I am nothing without You

- Nothing Without You, Bebo Norman

i can think!

2005-09-07T00:45:00.000+08:00

random thoughts:

today was just a gigantic overdose on good stuff.
bugis market will be my downfall.
i have a very short attention span.
i want to play netball.
i should be looking through my lecture notes.
i think many science lecturers are very disillusioned.
the 4th verse of be thou my vision starts with "treasures i heed not".
i can't play racket sports for nuts.
i finally have my own brand of sandals.

i think my brain is finally starting to work a little better. i can actually think. ...yay.

2005-09-03T00:14:00.000+08:00

do i intimidate you?

high amplitude anti-phase transverse waveforms

2005-08-31T00:52:00.000+08:00

today wasn't a very... joyful... day. but wasn't too bad overall.
spent a rather pleasant afternoon running errands in Clementi with Edmond.. and had a rather nice time taking pictures and eating pizza with the exco and foc comm. after sunset prayer:

food! (and shawn... -__-)

i wonder what interesting story sharon was telling this time...

guess whose i/c?

er... very comfortable to squat meh?

in any case i was pretty concussed by that time..(thanks to the medicine)
i suppose some things affect me more than they should. but those things aren't very worth blogging about.
also, God's plan is perfect. i just have to learn how to trust.

May, June, July, August... or thereabouts

2005-08-26T00:29:00.000+08:00

I think there's really nothing much I want to say about what I've been up to since I last blogged. Remembering one of the reasons I set up this blog in the first place - so that you people can have the benefit of knowing what's been going on in my life - now seems to me an unsubstantial reason to continue blogging. Make me talk to you please (I know I don't always make it easy).

In any case, blogging about things I can't make head or tail off.. and when things are just running crazily through my head isn't very effective either. So I'll just kinda let the pictures speak for themselves as much as possible.

May 24th to 30th 2005 - East Asia Regional Conference 2005 @ Kinasih Cemerlang Conference Centre, Indonesia

We are Singapore!

Small Group 2

June 1st to 4th 2005 - VCF LPC 2005 @ TH

Dr Loo

June 10th to 11th 2005 - VCFFOC Comm. Retreat @ Bethany EFC

June 16th to 18th 2005 - BEFC Youth Camp 2005 @ Costa Sands

June 28th 2005 - Bizad VCF FG @ Olio

July 2nd 2005 - Baptism

July 5th to 8th 2005 - VCFFOC 2005 @ TH

Day 0 @ Ian's
We're never short of good food!

Day 0 @ Ian's
2am: Learning theme song

Day 1: Rooming done AT LAST!

Can you spot yourself?

The (Incomplete) Comm. with (more) food (soon)

The Prayer Scroll unveiled

July 13th 2005 - Popiah @ The Movies

*erhmm*

July 16th 2005 - 413 Gathering @ Joy's

17th July 2005 - 1 day in advance of 20!

The proposal. soon to come: liposuction in Hawaii?

July 25th to 28th 2005 - NUS Matriculation Fair 2005

July 29th to August 4th 2005 - Bizad Orientation Week 2005

Rossi!
yummiyulius?

The Flag

13th August 2005 - Social Entrepreneurship Forum 2005

Some of the Comm.

*deep breath* yeah. that about sums up my 3 months of "holidays", and then some... quoting my dad, who always makes some cryptic remark annually in my birthday card: "Many words said, many deeds done. Trials and tribulations..." (yes. thats exactly what was in there, not a word more, not a word less. *huh?*). I think I've learnt a lot this past holiday, and I sure hope I remember the many lessons learnt, and pray that through all this, God has made me a better person.

So for all you impatient buggers out there, hope this is more than enough for the time being...

venting =)

2005-06-30T02:28:00.000+08:00

i just need to vent.

Baptism is in 2 days. and i have yet to write my testimony.
(2nd July, Saturday. Service is at 5.30pm. At Bethany Evangelical Free Church, 133 Fidelio St. Anyone & everyone is invited! i'd be really happy to see you there, whoever you are..)

1/3 of my musicians can't make it for service this saturday. so i have to come up with a new lineup of songs. and call up everyone who's involved - adults, youths, kids.

The worship team schedule i'm supposed to do up for the next 1/2 of the year is due. no, actually its overdue. and the next 1/2 of the year begins effectively.. in 1 day's time?

Then there's the EFC All Asia Conference worship slot. its in september, but well. the youth team needs practice. and we don't even have 10 saturdays to practice from now til november, what with normal worship slots and all. so we're starting.. this saturday?

FOC is in 5 days. and we've got tonnes of happy work to do! registrations, accomodation, groupings, information dissemination, camp booklets, contacting speakers, acquiring sufficient facilities, making sure we have games materials, planning games(!).. wah.. haha.. crazy lar. but fun. and the Lord has been so good :)

After FOC will be preparation for matriculation fair. am sitting on the comm representing bizad.. cos..no one else is.. free?

Then after that will be preparation for the Bizad Orientation Week.. helping out with manpower/councillor/seniors recruitment issues. have been arrowed vice-chair of the manpower subcomm cos everyone else is working..

After which will be preparations for the Social Entrepreneurship Forum, on the 13th of August. i've been arrowed secretary of the comm. but haven't been doing much cos of other commitments. feel really quite bad abt it since i gave my word to help out in sem1.. and moreover, its quite a big thing for a worthwhile cause.. and social entrepreneurship is something i wanna go into when i'm a bit older.. and more well off.. haha

and that's not even counting other stuff like how i need to help look after my dad also.. after that stupid motorcyclist tried to snatch the bag strapped to the back off my dad's bike while he was on a cycling trip in jb.. dad got flung off and consequently suffered a small skull fracture and blood clots and a cut to the back of his head. he's still so dizzy and can hardly even walk steadily.. don't know why the hospital discharged him also!

but even in these things, can really see God's hand in it.. despite all the busyness.. i've just got this strange feeling of joy in my heart.. although i can't physically see God's work.. and He's works in so many ways we cannot see or imagine.. i can't help but recognise His hand in how my life has turned out so far... and i can't help but KNOW that God is at work.. and i'm just happy living the life that i know He's got planned out ahead of even when i was born or conceived.. and God's just been reminding me that all i have to do is to trust and obey, to deny myself and to let Him take over... and as i learn to let go.. however gradually, He just increases this joy.. haha.. how ironic is that? yet how right it feels!

Trust and obey,
cos' there's no other way
to be happy in Jesus,
but to trust and obey!

to: my dear fellow FOC!!! comm-ers

2005-06-13T21:45:00.000+08:00

phew! finally get the time to sit down and blog abt the nice weekend that's just passed..

had foc comm retreat on fri and sat at befc.. had a really nice time of fellowship and getting to know the other comm members better.. man it was hilarious.. had a great time of prayer and sharing and just talking nonsense on friday night, after a nice dinner at the used-to-be-daryn's-kitchen-but-now-called-deutsche-kitchen place.. like wert?! haha.. while listening to ian make a sick cow sing.. er.. i mean.. play the cello. most of us decided we were gonna knock out by 3plus am.. but yesyes ian gravitated towards the hall.. sat down behind the clavinova.. and the rest is as they say, history. more about that night on clare's and matt's blogs... saturday morning was spent planning planning planning.. work has suddenly ballooned for everyone, which i say is good.. cos now everyone knows everything thats going on in all the other portfolios, and we're communicating with each other more and can all help out with the workload. shout outs to brian, ruthann, james and vincent for coming down to encourage and support us!! :)

but yes. today, had dinner in the EAST! with alicia, matt, shawn and joce.. bak chor mee at bedok north. yum. and rojak. and popiah. and carrot cake. and honey sea coconut. and red ruby. and sugarcane. and barley for joce. hehe. oh fat. but but! alicia and i have come to the MARVELOUS conclusion that we should make shawn, joce, daph and clare the mcs for talentnight!!! muahahhaha! the perfect combi. shawn and joce can bicker, daph can do her "but shawn, your name.. you see, your name is not on the list! so shawn, what does that mean? *big innocent eyes*" thing.. and clare can just scold shawn non-stop for i dunno. for anything at all! hahhaha.. perfect! brilliant! no? hilarious. and alicia. THROW AROUND A LIVE BLACK CHICKEN FOR CAPTAIN'S BALL?!?!

so oh my dearest fellow comm members.. i really thank God for you guys..its such a pleasure working with you all.. am enjoying it immensely! here’s to more great times ahead! haha.. can't wait for wednesday... ! ;p (grace, do get well soon! william, oh what are we gonna do w/o you?)

carry me please...

2005-06-09T23:02:00.000+08:00

there's this deadweight in my chest i just can't seem to get rid of.
its just so tiring carrying it around.
Lord, won't you take it from me?

You who are strong and mighty,
would You wrestle it away from Your stubborn child?
or shatter it to pieces, sweeping it away bit by bit?

oh Lord, because i don't think i can take it anymore
You know better than i do the hopes dreams yearning disappointments inadequacy pain
Lord, will You carry them for me?
Lord, will You carry me?

O_o

2005-06-07T16:19:00.000+08:00

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are optimistic and happy.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage something you've always wanted... though you haven't really thought about it.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

liar (NOT!)

2005-06-06T23:29:00.000+08:00

*glare*

i figure i should post something (as well).

harrumph.

and if you're one of those (ok only one lar i'm sure, the rest of "those" would not react like that) going "sorry sorry sorry!", well, don't. you know i don't really mean that ;)

love ya'll! *muackz* (okok no physically fit physically fit blahblah.)
- lonesome ;p

safe in a crazy world - corrinne may

2005-05-17T00:00:00.000+08:00

hmm.. haven't posted anything in like. EONS.
so i guess i'll just put something up to fill the space..

oh hrm.. bought the latest Corrinne May cd recently - Safe In A Crazy World - after looking forward to it for like foreverrrrr... i really enjoyed her first album - Fly Away. her albums are really wonderful to listen to while just "drinking coffee and dreaming", as this guy writes in his review of one of her 'live' shows in the US. she's just got this soothing Sarah Mclachlan kinda voice that goes really well with the easy-on-the-ears sentimental ballads she writes and sings.. the pieces are often just really simply arranged, centred around a piano or guitar line.. but at the same time, she's not afraid to try out more up-tempo pieces, often with really quirky lyrics.. (clement insists the lyrics are not "cute", as i had put it earlier..) yeah, the other thing abt Corrinne May is that she writes beautiful lyrics, ok, not really beautiful per se, but she writes in a way that makes you see something you've known all along in a new and refreshing light.. and i just really like the way she puts things..the ballad-y songs just bring you into this -surreal- kinda mood.. and 1 or 2 songs in her first album made me tear a couple of times during certain times in my life.. an exerpt:

what if i woke up, and couldn't hear a sound?
and all that i could see, was darkness all around?
that would still be nothing, compared to what i'd feel..
if you didn't love me.

- If You Didn't Love Me

heh and her up-tempo songs just make you (me) feel like grinning...

i don’t know what you do to me,
but every time i’m with you it’s a natural high..
it’s like rediscovering Eden,
with chocolate coated rainbows and cotton candy skies..
and every time you look my way,
i wish i had the guts to say:

there’s something in your eyes, something in your smile,
something in the way you move me..
you make me want to sing, you make me want to dance,
you make me want to cry, i’m falling in love with you

i think i’ll hire Cupid,
to make you see i’m more than your friend.
you’ll be tossing and turning,
counting the hours til’ you see me again..
and when we meet you’ll kiss my hand,
and say the words i want to hear

there’s something in your eyes, something in your smile,
something in the way you move me..
you make me want to sing, you make me want to dance,
you make me want to cry, i’m falling in love with you

- Something About You

yeah.. but i was talking abt her second album.. frankly speaking, i'm a leeeeeetle bit disappointed in it.. the songs are still really enjoyable, and so are the lyrics.. but i think it just lacks a leeetle bit of that something new.. Corrinne May's offerings from her 2nd album are almost exactly the same as those from her 1st album.. would have loved if she'd just tried something new, something that gives listeners a pleasant surprise.. that little refreshing 2nd look at the artiste and discovering something new.. would have just made the album so much more satisfying and complete.. oh but i love that this album has a bit more in the way of nice piano lines and riffs (i know guitar riffs.. is there such a term as piano riffs? but yeah you get the idea).. sweet. :) an exerpt:

I try to smile my tears away,
I try to keep my cool.
Oh but one more door gets in my way
I feel like such a fool
Trampled and bitter,
My heart just wants to bleed and stop Believing in me.

It feels like nothing is for certain
and that nothing comes for free
When they're lowering the curtain to the theatre of my dreams
I stumble and i crumble and I'm sinking to my knees for you
You cradle me

You keep me flying
You keep me smiling
You keep me safe in a crazy world
You understand me
Embrace my fragility
You keep me safe in a crazy world
And in your arms I find the strength to believe in me again

- Safe In A Crazy World

yup.. and the best part is that.. she's singaporean (!), though based in LA. its just great that FINALLY i can name some singaporean singer/songwriter who produces decent enough songs, and not stuff so completely commercialised or too indie alt you can't figure out what the song's supposed to be abt.. granted, some of the lyrics might seem a little fluffy, but the way Corrine May writes about her love and faith in such a way that's perfectly acceptable to the general secular world without really very purposefully or deliberately pandering to commercialism and popular demand is quite inspiring.. (she's STILL an indie artiste making the pub and cafe circuit in the US, and has just set up her own record label, tho distributing with musicstreet and some other distributors in taiwan, hk, japan and US, she probably won't be indie very much longer, oh pity.)

but ok, lest you think i'm simply GUSHING abt Corrinne May, i'm not okayyyyyyy. i really enjoy her music, but i just also think we should support decent singaporean artistes.. its completely sad that local artistes see the need to go overseas to launch their careers, as if they need to prove themselves in a foreign place before their own country-pple can accept their music. and its just so... hypocritical... to proudly proclaim that the singer is local! oh she's singaporean!! after she's made it big overseas and get her to come back and like.. grace events, sing national day songs.. whatever. and the worst part is, everything turns out so commercialised so as to appeal to the masses and so they can make it big overseas.. and urgh. sad lar.

ok so anyway, i think the album Safe In A Crazy World grows on you.. and to listen to Corrinne May's 1st album, you can go to her website (already linked above, or in my sidebar).. you can find her 2nd album out in stores now. so.

all songs mentioned in this post are copyrighted by Corrinne May

heh its tomorrow.

2005-04-30T00:19:00.000+08:00

Your True Birth Month Is September

Thinking
Sensitive
Secretive
Systematic
Understanding
Good memory
Calm and cool
Does work well
Likes to criticize
Loves wide things
Kind and sympathetic
Hardly shows emotions
Concerned and detailed
Able to motivate oneself
Suave and compromising
Clever and knowledgeable
Quiet but able to talk well
Tends to bottle up feelings
Loves to look for information
Trustworthy, loyal and honest
Careful, cautious and organized
Choosy especially in relationships
Loves sports, leisure and traveling
Must control oneself when criticizing
Likes to point out people's mistakes

What's Your True Birth Month?

ok last one! i promise!

2005-04-29T23:59:00.000+08:00

heh.. last one for today that is...

You May Be a Bit Borderline ...

Your mood swings make a roller coaster look tame!
When you're up, you're a little bit crazy...
And when you're down, your whole world is crashing
Scary thing is, these moods can change by the minute!

What Personality Disorder Are You?

blogthings are addictive

2005-04-29T23:43:00.000+08:00

Your Birthdate: July 18

Your birthday on the 18th day of the month suggests than you are one who can work well with a group, but still remain someone who needs to maintain individual identity.

There is a humanistic or philanthropic approach to business circumstances in which you find yourself.

You may have good executive abilities, as you are very much the organizer and administrator.

You are broad-minded, tolerant and generous; a compassionate person that can inspire others with imaginative ideas.

Some of your feelings may be expressed, but even more of them are apt to be repressed.

There is a lot of drama in your personality and in the way you express yourself to others.

Oddly enough, you don't expect as much in return as you give.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean?

hmmmmmm.. heh.. interestingly enough sounds pretty accurate..
but aiyoh.. these things ah.. i think there's a bit of everyone that's like that right.. so this could basically apply to anyone who was told this is what their birthdate means, whatever it is.. i think reading it just highlights the times when you're like that.. at then you end up going "yeah yeah.. hey this is pretty accurate!"
heh.. but its still quite pleasantly surprising to find something that seems to describe you so well.. :p heh.

so normal..

2005-04-29T23:24:00.000+08:00

You Are 40% Normal
(Somewhat Normal)

While some of your behavior is quite normal...
Other things you do are downright strange
You've got a little of your freak going on
But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

How Normal Are You?

eh i dunno.. i can't make up my mind whether i think i shd be more normal or less. what do you think?

(not) getting ditzified, i hope.

2005-04-27T22:08:00.000+08:00

before i forget how it feels...

do you know how horrible it feels to realise that your mental and emotional stability can be so easily and drastically affected by a person?

its driving me crazy. urgh. disgusted, exasperated, frustrated with myself. i can't even begin to figure out what THAT is supposed to mean.. even the litchie rich from fuzion isn't helping. shd've gotten my favourite strawberry o'cha instead.. might probably have done a better job. grrr... girls (teo & mic included - my darling girlfriends all...), i'm turning into a ditz who isn't even qualified to be a ditz, for those of you who get what i mean. i'm hopeless.

but well, for the record, there is a gp of pple who can do that to me, as a gp or individually.. but well yes, today i'm just talking abt one person. ok or 2. but for totally different reasons.. but well i'm actually getting really affected by 1 only.. aaah trash that. *chuckle* i can't believe i'm doing this. ok, cryptic post. just for kicks. i dunno.

whatever lar.

CLARIS SHI JIAYI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-04-27T14:04:00.000+08:00

HOI!!! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THAT?!
NO WONDER I SAW SOME BLOGGER.COM ADDRESS WHEN I CAME BACK FROM MY BATH. YOOOOOOOOU!

grrrrr...

for the record,
1. Claris is NOT the most important person in my life.
2. I will NOT fall at her feet in adoration and look only to her for the rest of my life.
3. She is NOT smart and gorgeous and lovely.
4. And i REFUSE to swoon at her feet.

but that said,

Clarey poo you're one of the most important people in my life, well y'know, toni (hey work with me here toni..) would most positively dagger-ize me if i let you say you were the single most important person in my life.. and there's all that consideration for my sister and mum and dad and *erhmm* future most important person in my life and all. ^_^

and also, i think you're VERY smart and gorgeous and lovely! ;)

and...

i love you toooooo!

ok, but i'm never gonna marry you so you can get that thought out of your head.

and yes, abt exams... yes yes yes yes mum.

(thank you dearie for forcing me to mop my floor, buy food, get fat eating food i bought myself, waste time watching silly girlie movie, get dragged out of bed with 6 hours of sleep, and getting fatter at macs.)

(heheh.. okokok. so i shall admit it. i like it now that my floor is clean, i satisfied my craving for ruffles, the thai "my girl" was absolutely sweeeeeeeeet!, and i needed to wake up early to mug.. and i didn't have to pay for brekkies/lunch at macs... and i really loved your company... I LOVE YOUUUUU!!! *MUACKZ!*)

OH AND FOR THE RECORD. I'M NOT THE BIMBO. YOU ARE.

p.s. and i'm positively gonna ignore what you said abt flopsie. "FLOPSIE"?!. sheesh. in any case, i'm as usual, -confused-, y'know.

the bimbo speaks

2005-04-27T10:23:00.000+08:00

i love claris!!!!! she's the most impt person in my life!!!!!!!!!1
i will fall at her feet in adoration and look only to her for the rest of my life.
she's so smart and gorgeous and lovely.
swoonnnnnn.

shall ignore flopsie from now on and just look at claris. yeyyy.

flopsie mopsie and cottontail!!! =D

i love you darlinggggggggggggggggggggggggggg
if you haven't figured this out by now. *winks*

mug hard for exams!!!!!!

CLARIS SHI JIAYI

2005-04-20T23:43:00.000+08:00

... oi. you finish your exams already doesn't mean i've started ok.
aiyooooh. what do you want me to post.

i'm mugging.
snailing.
hmm.. whats been happening in my life?
...

finding out econs is a load of nonsense.
like. why during the short-run is the portion of the MC curve above the AVC the supply curve for competitive firms?

because. through warped queenie logic, as price increases, so does the quantity that producers are willing to produce --> moving up the supply curve.
and so. as q increases, inputs must increase.
and looking at the demand curves for inputs, when demand for inputs increases, the price of the inputs must increase as well.
so. cost of inputs for producers increases, and MC increases as quantity produced increases.
hence. MC curve = supply curve.

huh!??!

now. do you see how warped the logic is. econs is a load of nonsense. everything abt econs is via observations and hypothetical data (well econs pple, correct me if i'm wrong).

yuck.

and in 6 hours, i've covered 1.5 chapters. econs is on friday. i'm so dead. 3.5 more chapters to go. and biz law on saturday (i haven't touched it yet. whoohoo! aiyah but shouldn't be that bad lar, open bk. plus got cheatsheets already. now now, don't be alarmed. cheatsheets=helpnotes. hur hur.)

ohoh. but. i've discovered nice songs. nice nice. and claris shi jiayi, how could you go gyming w/o me. & you jolly well know i'd got to aussieland with you.. but can't you pick a better time. yesyes, i know you can't. blahblah. oh poo.

titanium/tungsten/pk/cheekopek teo, WHERE IN THE WORLD HAVE YOU DISAPPEARED TO!? oi, i thought your exams ended soooooooooo long ago. how come your blog never move one.

and ant darling, are you sure you're not having some sort of clandestine relationship with our *erhmm* darling teo? tsktsk. so scandalous you two. skyping and all. so LOVE-hate. hhhhrm? ahhhh teo, why don't you go to aussieland with clarey and drop by nz to visit your good cheesecake cafe, umbrella-brandishing buddy? heheheheeh..

oh brain cells are fried. brain is scattered. cannot concentrate. still looking for and collecting all the little scattered pieces of my brain. ooooh where is my brain? oh bah.

oh and claris shi jiayi, i thought you were gonna stay over to make sure i mug. you bluff me.

pig or cow or panda or snail? princess or queen? dodo bird?!? urgh. ramble ramble ramble. ooooooh. ladida. i'm procrastinating. all your fault. ask me to update somemore. well, what else do you wanna know? the stuff you wanna know i can't write here you jolly well know that. silly girl.

I never did like the word mediocre
I never wanted it to be said of me
Just point me to the top and I'd go over
Looking for the very best that could be

So what is this thing I see
Going on inside of me
When it comes to the Grace of God
Sometimes it's like

I'm playing GameBoy standing in the middle of the Grand Canyon
I'm eating candy sitting at a gourmet feast
I'm wading in a puddle when I could be swimming in the ocean

Tell me what's the deal with me
Wake up and see the Glory

Every star in the sky tells His story
And every breeze is singing His song
All of creation is imploring
Come see this grand phenomenon

The wonder of His Grace
Should take my breath away
I miss so many things
When I'm content with

Playing GameBoy standing in the middle of the Grand Canyon
Or eating candy sitting at a gourmet feast
Or wading in a puddle when I could be swimming in the ocean

I know the time has come for me to
Wake up and see the Glory
Wake up and see the Glory, yeah

How could I trivialize it
This awesome gift of God's Grace
Once I have come to realize it
I should be speechless and amazed

Wake up
Wake up and see the Glory
Open your eyes and take it in
Wake up and be amazed
Over and over again

God's Love is coming to you and to me
Wake up, wake up
Open your eyes, yeah
Over and over again

Oh yeah

Wake up, wake up, wake up

Come on, take it in

- See The Glory by Steven Curtis Chapman

sounds familiar doesn't it.. how often do we forget the wonder that is our God?.....

...bah. ok another ueberlong post. more nice nice songs! ack. better not post all at once, else will get kokked on the head. prob already will since i've made such a long post tho i'm supposed to be studying.

happy now? :p

i've found where i belong. [BCE Appreciation BBQ day]

2005-04-04T00:07:00.000+08:00

finally, watching the musical for the first time today.. i FINALLY get this feeling of closure.. didn't understand when pple told me they couldn't imagine what they'd do for the next few free saturday mornings and all, still don't actually.. i mean, sleep lar! :p but watching the musical brought back all those thoughts and emotions i felt during the musical and all.. how i almost cried during the final performance in the middle of act 2 cos' i finally understood what it meant to keep my focus on God even while acting..

y'know.. 3 months ago, if you told me i'd act in a musical, i'd tell you not to be ridiculous. 3 months ago, if you told me i'd know so many pple from vcf, i'd laugh right in your face.. 3 months ago, if you told me i'd find close friends in uni, i'd have smiled disbelievingly.. uni wasn't a place to get to know pple.. bizad wasn't a place to cosy up with anyone.. (still isn't as far as i'm concerned..) but tonight at the bbq.. watching the musical for the first time.. i almost cried..

the great honour of serving Him in my church worship ministry, of acting in the musical.. the great joy of getting to know so many people, of crossing paths with some people.. and walking with others.. some for a short while, and some for longer.. and yet some with whom the shared journey has not come to the part of the road where our paths diverge.. ;p

i feel so fortunate, so blessed.. i came into uni dreading it, thinking i'd just get it over and done with.. but God's shown me that there's so so so much more to life than what i perceive.. and so so so many more riches in the life He's planned out for me. seeing them revealed a little more every day.. i never could have imagined or foresaw all the wonderful things He's done in my life so far.. i just want to cry.. i don't deserve it. through the good times and the bad, He has been there with me, showing me that whatever happens, i'll always have a reason to smile when He's around.. with Him, i can walk every step with confidence and assurance, with every footstep i take, i know my foot is planted on solid ground, even on this earth which floats in the middle of nowhere and is prone to cracking ever so often.. ( *waves a hand at all those geog students* yes i know thats technically incorrect but.)

i wish i could not sound so vague. but.. there's just so much i don't know how to say.

fellowship:
of sharing food [oh yummy bbq!!]. of sharing conversation [hehe..scandals and primary school photos]. of sharing thoughts. and dreams. of sharing prayers. and singing songs of worship and praise [knocking on heaven's door?!! here i am to worship?! hmmm]. of sharing talents [i still can't stop gushing abt the musicians]. of sharing lives. of sharing strength and joy. of sharing God's blessings. of loving each other. because He loves us.

why can't they see?!?!?!? what can be better than this?!?!life would be meaningless.. and hopeless..without God, who sent His Son, so precious, to die so that we might be able to come before God again, and face Him despite all our sinful ways.. that we might have the privilege to call God our Abba, and walk our walks without having to worry about a single thing, and just be happy in all circumstances as we abide in Him, just as He planned for us to... why would you settle for anything less?!?

with God, my heart is filled, my soul satisfied, and my stomach happy. =)

thank You.

i'll sing Your praises forever..
deeper in love with You..
here in Your courts where i'm close to Your throne,
i've found where i belong...

happy landing!

2005-03-28T23:24:00.000+08:00

i thought. i shd. on this momentous first day of proper work back from bce. post something.

i always post something when i think i shd. hm. what makes me think i shd? why shd i? what are the factors that induce me to post? ok i'm rambling. another topic for another day.

but... 1st day back in proper schooling mode, of sorts. project deadlines suddenly seem so real and prominent. the urge to hole myself up in the biz lib so strong.. its a bit scary. i'm so behind for stats, legal and especially econs.. i mean like. whats the difference between what AVC, AC, MC, MPL MPK and what have you!?!? and so, helpless and trying to look mildly intelligent during my tutorials, i cross my fingers and practice my invisibility spells. which have seemed to work so far. but then i better not count on them.

and now that bce is over, i'm reminded that although being involved in an event like bce is one way in which i can seek to honour God and to seek to glorify His name, it does not, and should not, take precedence over the other areas in my life.. like my work, and family... seeking to honour and to glorify His name should be something i work towards consistently in every part of my life and everything i do. and so, bce has been another learning experience for me.. in learning how to get my perspective on things right.

which leads me back to...
doe a deer a female deer
ray a drop of golden sun
me a name i call myself
far a long long way to run.............................
so.

i need to study.

ohoh. on another note. haha.. edmond you finally managed to sucessfully bug me to go for pgp cg. it was a really enjoyable time of dinner and fellowship and worship and bible study. (now i'm like.. 2 bible studies ahead of biz cg or smtg.. heh) thanks! (oh and thanks for your broom too.. hvaen't had the time to test-fly it yet tho)

oh and bing.. pls don't shave your hair and become a hermit ok.

and clarey babe.. am praying for your brain to turn into one of those gigantic sponges you get in the great big oceans ok? don't worry.. it'll turn out alright!! (i mean.. your head size won't expand too much lar.. i think.. i hope........... haha.. okok i mean your pros or whatever lar.)

oh i've finally semi-succeeded in posting a random and rambling post. oh i hope. ah well. yay i got gmail. though like, i don't see why i'd need it. shedrea-dot-mz@gmail.com -- she dreams? mz? mz dreams? get it get it? ok but continue sending to my hotmail lar k. gmail is for storage.. and for kicks. finally a email address other than one that starts with ihz_nim. well other than the one i had before the stupid server started making pple pay for the address. doof@heehaw.com haha.. brings back lotsa memories man.

okok. before i ramble on uncontrollably.. *shutup minzhi shutup*

*whispers*

what if i woke up.. and couldn't hear a sound?
and all that i could see.. was darkness all around?
that would all be nothing.. compared to what i'd feel..
if You didn't love... me.

- Corrinne May,
If You Didn't Love Me

and did i forget..

2005-03-27T02:10:00.000+08:00

STILL NO CHILLI AND CHOCOLATES AND RICH STUFF BECAUSE OF THE LOUSY STOMACH! grrrrrrr........

save me from.. this crippling bane..

2005-03-27T01:39:00.000+08:00

i feel like i'm falling apart.. like some porcelein doll, wholly incapable of keeping myself in one piece...

its unsettling how i don't seem to have control of my emotions.. which recently have been generally quite negative.. and i'm utterly disgusted with how i can let my emotions rule my behaviour all the time.. one would have thought at almost 20, i'd have better sense and discipline to do what i need to do or should do when i need or should do it. eek. as most of you reading this can attest to, i'm STILL horribly incorrigible when it comes to discipline and heck care-ness abt almost everything.. aiyah.. how how how? its not even heck care-ness man.. i just can't be bothered..

i've recently come to the realisation of why i behave this way... i think.

i think.. i've developed a habit of distancing myself from anything.. anything and everything.. nothing matters to me.. so if something ever happens, i won't feel anything.. be it grades, work, material possessions.. even relationships with other pple.. my friends, family... i dunno.. could there be any other reason for why i don't feel much for anything these days? no thoughts? no opinions? how everything just.. skims me lightly on the surface then disappears? i dunno.. i can't be sure either.. considering. yeah i dn't seem to be able to dedicate a lot of brain cells to thinking abt anything in general, much less this issue. sheesh. or am i just wallowing again.

which leads me to the other issue of always second guessing myself.. i can't seem to be sure of anything i think or feel anymore.. so i never dare to fully commit myself to anything. ack. ah why am i so bothered about me.

and another thing thats been bothering me. i have never been so sick in my life as in this past 1 year.
- starting from church camp in june.. when i had like.. severe gastric or smtg.. dunno. high fever, vomiting diarrhoea on the very 1st day of church camp.. spent the entire day in agony and wondering if the only reason God brought me to the camp was for me to have a nice super comfy resort bed to recover in... but miraculously i was up and playing frisbee the next day.. albeit appetite-less for the next 1 week.
- was still quite ok when i started uni.. until december.. when we started having more practices for the christmas cantata my church was putting up.. then i got this horrid cough/flu thing.. that lasted all the way til new year. starting sch again was ok.. until...
- mid jan.. when i got dengue fever.. 6 days in the hospital, crazy liver enzyme levels and platelet counts, endless needle poking sessions and many sleepless nights..was recovering when i got the inform from josh that i was gonna be in the bce main cast.. i remember telling him my dengue shouldn't affect my ability to act what.. after all, i still have my voice..... following which, you all shd know what happened already lar.
- i subsequently caught a cough/sore throat i dunno what from some joker who must have come to visit me while he/she had a throat infection. which has lasted like.. 2 months and is still not gone yet.. even though the musical's come and gone.. like i told josh last night, i'm sure the cough will get well now that the musical is over.. looking at the trend of things.. but
- took a nap at 6 and woke up at 8plus with a horrible horrible excruciatingly painful stomach.. had diarrhoea.. then stumbled downstairs bathed in cold sweat with the aim of getting some charcoal tablets or hot soup to calm my stomach.. but couldn't even make it to the kitchen.. fumbled on some light switch and just collapsed on a chair.. the light didn't come on (i must have hit some other switch).. was just groaning and feeling this strange vibrating feeling in my teeth and hands.. finally got driven opposite the road to see a doc.. who gave me a jab.. which is only mildly working.. i'm guessing its food poisoning from the big pau i ate before taking my nap.. probably been left outside for too long..
so yeah. have never seen such a great variety of medicine before in my life as i have in the last like.. 4 months mainly.. and i hope this trend is not gonna continue. i'm really sick and tired of being sick. really.

so long to long goodbyes

2005-03-23T23:55:00.000+08:00

i thought i should blog something. it seems a pity not to do some entry regarding BCE throughout the whole experience.. and now that its done and (not quite) over.. shouldn't it be time i put my thoughts down.. (what thoughts i also dunno lar.. seems i don't quite have many thoughts nowadays).

but really.. to really want to write stuff abt BCE would probably take me a couple of days and a couple of blog entries.. so much to reflect on.. and really, i'm a bit too tired to recall all the things that i wanna talk abt.. but one thing that's really struck me over the course of these 2 (my goodness was it only 2?!?) months of preparations was the meaning of the word fellowship.. but my brain's in a rather sedate mood at the moment. and my cup noodles (chilli prawn flavour *yay* chilli at last) beckons..

so i guess today's entry will serve as a reminder.. and just for closure's sake. (or well.. a step towards closure since i guess i'm still gonna talk abt what i wanna talk abt.. well whenever i get down to talking abt what i want to talk about..).

but the musical is finally over. no more singing and dancing and shopping.. no more angsty long goodbyes or avoiding funny chalked out lines.. bimbo flirty mode FINALLY off.. and life is back to normal. or is it?

.23rd March 2005. the NUS Varsity Christian Fellowship was pleased to present to you,
Falling.Spinning.

a new day, new mercies, and new joy

2005-03-19T00:53:00.000+08:00

i guess its the point
where we bid thee farewell

i guess now's the time
to take leave of the spell

so long to love and hope
so long to fairytales

go now these transient dreams
fall now these blinding scales

today's the day
i think i'll turn the other way
we've had our try
now we will say a long... goodbye

before the pain subsides
before the memory beckons

when death has shaken
all's changed in a second

i'll part with innocence
so goes eden's array

i'll make my exit here
from this world of dismay

no more delay
i think i like the other way
we've had our cry
now we will say our long... goodbye

i've been trying to find time to blog this entry for a while...

i've been.. struggling lately.. with a lot of things i just can't seem to let go off and surrender. i've not been doing my quiet time regularly.. many a time by my own choice.. feeling the urge to sit down, be quiet and read my Bible.. but yet turning a blind eye to these urges and and refusing to give in to them.. just because.

i've been starting to question myself.. asking myself where the passion's gone to.. asking myself where the sense of awe had gone to... asking myself where the gratefulness and joy went to.. asking myself.. if i ever truly believed.

i cried that day. when was the last time i cried like that in front of anyone?

i was calling out for God..i've been calling out for Him.. for the longest time i've been yearning to feel His love burning me from within again.. cleansing me and making me new.. but i've realised that while my mouth and mind were saying one thing.. my heart and actions were doing another..

i was reluctant to let go. just doggedly clinging to the easy, comfortable way out... but i couldn't take it anymore. i couldn't stand myself anymore. i was disgusted with myself. and i'm sure God had had enough of my stubbornness as well..

so its time to make a commitment. a renewed commitment to be pleasing in the eyes of God. to live a life that will bring a smile to His face. its difficult. its tough. its scary. leaving my comfort zone and wondering if what i do pleases Him. wondering if my faith is insufficient, non-existent, whatever. living each day trying to throw off the shadows of the moments before and living each moment looking towards Him. not knowing how to face Him. i feel so ashamed. its scary.

but i want to. i long to. i yearn to. i know there's nothing else worth living for in this world. knowing thats true, but letting that fact register, sink in, and manifest? oh Lord, help me!

and so i shall turn the other way, God's way. its not a sudden thing, nor is it a dramatic spirit-filled conviction thing. but a simple recommitment. i want to do my qt properly. i want to live my life pleasingly. taking practical steps and seeking His pleasure, i pray God will answer, and come.

so long to my stubbornness and pride. now i'll say my long goodbye...

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! - 2 Corinthians 4:17

i think.. i finally get it...

2005-03-15T23:20:00.000+08:00

Moon River,
Wider than a mile.
I'm crossin' you in style
Someday.
Ol' dream maker,
You heart breaker,
Wherever you're goin',
I'm goin' your way.

Two drifters,
Off to see the world,
There's such a lot of world
To see.
We're after the same
Rainbow's end
Waitin' round the bend,
My huckleberry friend,
Moon River
and

me.

..i think... ..i finally get it... ~

muttermumblegrumble

2005-03-13T19:06:00.000+08:00

ok. i thought i should get something going again after several incoherent -how am i (that is you the reader) supposed to respond- blog entries..

aiyah.. how do pple keep finding stuff to blog about? what is it abt their lives that seem to be more interesting than mine? or have i just become so apathetic that nothing that happens seems to matter to me anymore? gah i've even seem to have lost the art of rambling.. i mean, having to think abt what to ramble on about is so utterly depressing.. its like, i really have nothing to say. its such a throwback to my -oh i'm so in awe of these pple around me i should just keep quiet and avoid saying anything stupid early teenage phase- that i thought i'd already grown out of for like. eons.

ok so maybe i have grown out of it and this is the -angst ridden trying to find some direction in life frustrated though not yet to the core latelatelate teenage phase-.

i hate econs. i have no no no no no no idea what's going on in class at all. yuck.
i hate stats lectures. i have no no no no no inclination to go for any of them at all. bah.
i hate legal essays. i have no no no no no idea how i'm gonna finish all the readings just to start on the intro. sheesh.

what happened to the "haaaaaaaai yah! *simulate chopping wood action* min zhi is so going to get 5.0 this sem!". sigh.. this is not good lor. i'm reverting back to the sleep and eat the day away so as not to have to think of doing work horrendous habit again. shoot. old habits die hard. how how how. *whine* ahhhhh i hate myself. no self control no discipline. disgusting. &^!(@$(%(oirhgiosghodisjg90808(Y&%)&jaoth :(((

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurgh. :C

bahhhhh. ok. i feel better now. bahdeebahdeeboo. oh no.. venting like that can't be too good either. haiyah haiyah haiyah. mood swings. not good.. no not good at all.. shoot. bang. plop.

blah ok, going back to pgp tonight.. shall endeavour to pia the night away. can't let my emotions govern my behaviour. its a horrible habit. almost 4 years out of sec sch and still like that.. new year (and non-new year) resolutions never seem to work. blah.

oh no.. this is such a depressing-ish negative entry.. eh i still got somemore to say leh how. about the musical..abt juicy stuff..(haha.. not mine sadly)..aiyah.. next time lar.. all you pple who can't stand reading long entries must have given up by now.. (then why am i bothering to type this since you probably won't be reading this anyway.)

okokokokok.. shall stop being longwinded. mz out.

milk chocolate? eh...

2005-03-10T01:16:00.000+08:00

You are Milk Chocolate

A total dreamer, you spend most of your time with your head in the clouds.
You often think of the future, and you are always working toward your ideal life.
Also nostelgic, you rarely forget a meaningful moment... even those from long ago.

What Kind of Chocolate Are You? Take This Quiz :-)

Find the Love of Your Life
(and More Love Quizzes) at Your New Romance.

what do you know?

2005-03-07T23:43:00.000+08:00

all of a sudden...

i feel tired.

its sad,
how all we know,
is nought but mist
wavering, parting
in the wind,
illusions offering,
deceiving.

its sad,
how all we see,
shall simply cease,
not death defying
like living,
temporal voltages,
blinding.

its sad,
how who we know,
never see our dreams,
glossy laughter ringing
with eyes wide,
sincerely packaged gifts,
empty.

its sad, when you think the one who'll hear...
doesn't...
sometimes...
or pretends,
or contends,
or keeps you in suspense.

all of a sudden...

i feel tired.

Harre auf Gott...

2005-03-04T00:17:00.000+08:00

hm. 1st midterm finally over. slept at 5.30am last night (or this morning, if you're fussy).. woke up at like..8.20 or something. was much better than expected.. actually found the paper quite easy.. except for that stupid spectra question that i thought referred to a waveform so couldn't do. (now why am i bothering with this, like you'd know what i was talking about anyway..)

hmmm.. have lost count of the number of caffeinated drinks i've been downing these past few days.. am quite ready to collapse into bed at the moment.. but for some strange reason am strangely reluctant to let such wonderful weather and night pass me by.. am still relatively on a high.. whoohoooooooo yeeeeeeeha yyyyyyyyyyyyaaaa! no. not really.

pseudo-random question. Schüchtere ich ein?

pseudo-random question 2 (no correlation to above question. pseudo-random, remember?). Warum ist mein Herz so schwer?

why do my actions and heart differ? why do i not run after the one who knows me full best? why.

for those who're still guessing... in case my msn nick changes.. (no need to announce it to the whole world if you think you've got it yes.. 1/2 the meaning and joy's in the guessing and discovery.. :p) ::: why ... soul? ... me? put...God, ... yet.., my.. and my.. :::

its not too difficult. quite easy really.. read.. and discover.. no search engines you hear? answer's not valid then!

"beautiful words to take to heart... aye".. -grin-

so til next time.. and the next exhausting day (not too far away).. auf wiedersehen, meine Freunde.. Gott segnen. :)

what flavour pocky are you?

2005-02-25T23:48:00.000+08:00

hm.. must try this someday..

You Are Reverse Pocky

Your attitude: rebellious and clever
Non-conformist, but curiously a trendsetter
With you, up is down... and it's a wild ride!

What Flavor Pocky Are You?

(;_;)

2005-02-25T23:15:00.000+08:00

these things are getting a bit addictive..

You Are "Tearful"

What Japanese Smiley Are You?

i'm not too sure what to think.

2005-02-25T22:57:00.000+08:00

hmm.. bah. well, at least my brain's still more female than male..

Your Brain is 53.33% Female, 46.67% Male

Your brain is a healthy mix of male and female

You are both sensitive and savvy

Rational and reasonable, you tend to keep level headed

But you also tend to wear your heart on your sleeve

What Gender Is Your Brain?

"in your eyes.. i hope, yes..."

2005-02-24T22:18:00.000+08:00

schizo. i tell you, i'm turning schizo.
leah is getting to me. yes she is.
well so maybe this is who i am.
hrm. argh. ack. eek. uuk.
(alright, tho i know you don't read this..cheryl, see i'm learning.. hear my 'k's? *wink*)

You Are A Romantic

You are more romantic than 90% of the population.

You life your life like a fairy tale... or at least you try to.
Living for magical moments, you believe there's only one true love for you.
Love is the most important thing in your life, and you don't take it for granted.
Your perfect match loves to be in love as much as you do!

Are You Romantic or Realistic?

thats all i ever needed...

2005-02-24T00:03:00.000+08:00

i hear your prayers, your burdens i will bear...
but first i need your hand,
then forever can begin...

thank you, steph, for the quote :)

mildly sunburnt

2005-02-22T22:12:00.000+08:00

but thoroughly enjoying it. :)

today was thoroughly enjoyable.. beginning with the music rehearsals in the morning.. you guys are just amazing lar! musicians, cast and all! wonderful feet tapping head shaking hair flinging music to start off the day with.. *grin* lets continue making wonderful (well i shall try to keep quiet more in that case.. my screech/hoarse out-of-tune voice simply does not belong in that category) music for the Lord!

oh followed by the very 1st inter-(not quite)cg captain's ball tournament! plenty of fun and sun and (well could always be more *wink* but every little bit is such providence from God! *grin*) funds! (to foc comm pple: yeeps! sorry i hardly did anything.. :p) was an eye-opener seeing some pple play. hmm.. haha.. fun fun fun! thanks to all who came, hope you guys enjoyed yourselves!! more 100plus the next time, we promise! :p

oh i'm high. gah. i tell you. its the green tea. currently having a nice hot cup of green tea. but why do you have to know anyway.

to God be the glory

2005-02-22T20:10:00.000+08:00

this sem has been. -crazy- and it isn't even 1/2 over yet.

my mind's in a swirl now. kindof suspended in a limbo. i have no idea what to think. or blog. or whatever. but for the sake of all you guys out there wondering if mz has disappeared into the toiilet bowl, or coughed herself off a railing, or spontaneously combusted, no. I'M. STILL. HERE.(read this you hairy armpit teo! :p haha. stop thunder thighs-ing and hairy armpits-ing, you hear?)

well.

my month-long cough has finally appeared to have taken a turn for the better. thank God! still sniffling and having this inane urge to reach in and scratch my throat, but well, -better-.

argh. it feels so easy to complain abt things nowadays. how pple don't seem to think i need to do work or study. (like what. do i have a face that says "yes ask me anything, i'll agree!") when it comes down to it, i feel so torn between whats really "important" to me and what i feel i could/should give up. but you see. what you think you might see on my face more often than not is who i really am... well i think. i wanna help, i really do... -but-

i know some things need more work and commitment than others. some things i utterly enjoy devoting my time to. like BCE and rehearsals and doing well in sch (well at least some things i anticipate i'll enjoy). but it isn't fair to others i've agreed to help. i can't shortchange them by asking them to put my part of the "help" on hold. then what? helping them at the expense of my work and physiological and psychological sanity? (ok. maybe i'm chao drama lar. but i feel like it. so sue me.) eek.

but i'm reminded.

that in all things, i no longer work for myself, or for the pple i've given my word to. but for the One who matters above all. the only One who matters -period-

that whatever i do, i give my all, as an offering and effort, putting in my best, as worship to my King. i can never dream to make it worthy of Him who has watched me and brought me where i am today, who has given us a gift surpassing what anyone could ever offer.

but i will do it anyway (trying as i might), unworthy as it is, covered with blood and sweat and tears; unworthy as i am, in all my human frailty and weakness. because our Father deserves the best we have, not something which costs us nothing. and basically, because that's what i'm here for. (everyone say "Amen!")

well. long post. to those who haven't bothered to read and just scrolled to the bottom. hm. anything lor.

If we are out of our mind, it is for the sake of God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you. For Christ's love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.
- 2 Corinthians 13-15

1st signs of panic... urgh

2005-02-17T21:58:00.000+08:00

i am starting to lose it.

panic started early this morning when i realised i overslept for my 10am class. not too bad. was only 20min late.

panic flashed momentarily when i realised i desperately needed to install a tap in my nose to turn it off before it started dripping vaguely gross watery mucus onto my nice new untouched roman kuc introduction to information technology or goodness knows textbook.

panic came back halfway thru boring old stats when i realised that i have 3! mid-terms and a 30% individual assignment due the 1st 2 weeks of march. i don't even know whats going on in 3/5 of my modules lar! and with bce in the 3rd week?

hah.

HAH.

5.0?

HAH!

panic came back once more with a vengence after dinner when i got back to my room in pgp. wanted to take my phone out to switch off the silent mode when i realised...

CRAP WHERE'S MY PHONE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

got my neighbour (thanks laura!) to help me call my phone (tho its on silent i hoped to hear the vibrations somehow) but it wasn't anywhere in my room.

CRAP. CRAP.

thought i left it downstairs on top of the water cooler. not there. -panic-

ran back to the foyer staircase place where i was sitting earlier watching the international fiesta performances. no phone on floor. uh oh.

asked ppl sitting where i was sitting whether they saw phone. 2 girls (thanks ladies!) said they passed it on to some guy in t-shirt and shorts who was carrying a walkie talkie. WHO?!?! the whole place was swarming with pple carrrying walkie talkies!

so i asked a security guard who directed me to the erm. fire command centre... which i finally found out is this super ulu corner of the underground pgp carpark (well she didn't quite direct me.. got lost a few times til i bumped into another security guard going that way). asked lady at post to send out query via walkie talkie. -negative-

later found out organisers and security pple use different set of talkies. but the security lady said -nope, the organiser didn't find any handphones-

so it was back to the crowded foyer to try the first-aid post. nice student pple there offered handphones (not for me to bring home unfortunately) to call my phone and chairs to wait.. but HALLO?!?! ALL I WANT IS MY HP BACK! ok but nice student guy A continually walkie-talkied thru the loud music for american and canadian students trying to dance stylised pseudo indian dances cum hip hop. FINALLY! the guy who picked up my phone returned the call to the nice student guy B who offered his phone who also happened to see someone pick up my phone. ahhhhhh!

waited. and waited. and waited. and finally got my phone back. ah the sweeet taste of relief.

indeed. God answers prayers. and indeed. there is no situation that man can fully control. only our almighty, our sovereign, and our merciful God keeps all in the palm of His loving hand.

...

God please grant me my 5.0! :(

silly grin

2005-02-17T16:12:00.000+08:00

hehe.. finally.. FINALLY!

after all our planning. its gonna be happening!

months (well alright weeks) of preparing (well research and market surveys).
months of meetings (well for market surveys). ...
months of thinking and troubleshooting.
and now its here!

the preparation's finally done!
we're all prepared now for fun!
days of meeting are done and over with
now we welcome the happy (visitor)!

no more sitting in late night (msn) meetings
no more planning and waiting and waiting
now for singing and dancing and (rambling)
now for the (bloggie!) to be happening!!!

so exciting!! haha.. are you excited? whoohoo! yeeeeeeeha! wooooooooo!!!! yaayyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!!!!

ok pple are gonna kok me on the head.

thanks to judejonniejonjon and sianpanniepanpan (:p) !!! the excellent blogaddy & display name are greatly appreciated!!

*highhighhigh*

ohohoh.. and i love you clareyclareclare for the title!!! *manical grin*

i'm craz(ily) happy. :D

so sue me.